Two Dog Jokes

Okay, I guess I've kind of given up on the whole "post a week" thing (sorry). But I will ask you some questions, tell you jokes, and maybe I'll give you a story. (I wish I could have finished "Someone Else", but I just couldn't think of anything.)

So here are a few jokes, to make you laugh (hopefully).

A scruffy guy is walking with his huge dog, a Doberman, and he goes into a bar. The bartender says, "Sir, I'm sorry, but you can't bring a dog in here."

The guy looks the barman square in the eyes and says, "If I show you something amazing that this dog can do, will you let me stay in and give me a drink on the house?"

Of course the barman agrees because he doesn't think this scruffy guy can show him anything too great. So the guy turns to his dog and says, "Steve, what's on top of a house?"

The dog barks, "Roof! Roof!"

The barman rolls his eyes and is getting ready to boot this guy out the door, but the guy stops him and says, "Hold your horses, man! Let me finish!"

He turns back to the dog and says, "Steve, describe sandpaper!"

The dog barks, "Ruff! Ruff!"

The whole bar is laughing now, and the bartender is turning red as a beet, but the guy's still not done. He looks at the dog and says, "Steve, boy, this is your last chance to make your old master proud. Now look this bartender in his ugly mug and tell him, WHO WAS THE GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYER WHO EVER LIVED!"

The dog calmly looks at the bartender and barks, "Ruth! Ruth! Ruth!"

Everyone in the bar is in hysterics, pointing from the barman to the dog and back and roaring with laughter. The barman is a tough guy, but he is not going to stand being laughed at because of some filthy guy with a smart aleck Doberman. So he comes out from behind the bar and tosses the guy and the dog by the scruffs of their necks into the gutter.

Out on the street, the guy sighs. The dog looks at him and calmly states, "Don't worry. Next time I'll say DiMaggio."

It's an old favorite of mine. The punchline used to be, "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?" but I think this one's better. Please comment and tell me which one you prefer.

Now for another dog joke, not so old but almost as good.

Mrs. Jones needs to get some shopping done, so she gets into her car. As she is reversing out of the driveway, she hears an awful, sickly thunk. She leaps out of the car and dashes around to the back. Lying in her driveway is the limp body of a little dog. With a pang, she realizes it's her neighbor's Fluffy. She slowly walks to her neighbor's front porch and rings the doorbell. When he answers the door, she says, "I am so, so sorry but I just ran over your dog!"

The neighbor is devastated. She comforts him, and hands him a hanky, saying, "I feel so terrible! I insist upon replacing him."

The neighbor looks puzzled. He says, "You really don't have to do that."

But Mrs. Jones is determined. "Yes, I do! I've really got to replace him. It's the only way I'll be able to sleep at night."

The neighbor shrugs, saying, "Well, you can bring me my slippers and paper tomorrow, if you've really got to."

Ha ha! If you want, comment and tell me which joke is your favorite. That'd be great! Thanks! Oh, by the way, don't forget to give my fish some nibblies. They get so hungry.